


Things no one really understand

by LightwoodGirl



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Body Image, Depression, Diary/Journal, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:26:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightwoodGirl/pseuds/LightwoodGirl
Summary: Just something I wrote to make you think about what some people are going through.Because sometimes you don't see it but people are suffering, and it's not easy for us.Based on personal experienceEnglish is not my mother tongue.Thanks for reading.





	Things no one really understand

**Author's Note:**

> DO NOT READ IF SOMETHING IN THE TAGS TRIGGERS YOU.

No one ever wonders how it feels to be like this.

You were happy before all of this started, you can remember it, I can.  
I used to wake up and live my day without worries, without overthinking.  
Then, someday it all changed. I don't really know how.  
It started with small little things, and at that moment I didn't pay too much attention to it. 

You look at another girl and think "is she skinnier than me?" , "Is she prettier?", "Smarter?"... But you just let those thoughts go like they came.  
You are still happy, you are still you..I was still myself even after those thoughts.

Weeks later they come back, knock at the door and you have to let them in, because you will find out that they always win, trust me.  
But this time is different,isn't it?  
Let me answer for you: it is.  
This time you must answer to these questions that keep going around inside your head and, well, "yes" she is skinnier, prettier and smarter than you.

That is when it all starts.  
You feel weird...for the first time you feel like you have to do something to change, something to do better.  
So you start eating healthy, doing your make up, study more or whatever you think you have to do to be perfect.

At first you actually feel better, I did, I felt stronger, prettier and I was still happy...but there's something that tells you "it's not enough".

You keep working.

At this point it gets bad.   
At this point your self-esteem starts to fade.

You will meet one of the things that will eventually kill you.  
Eating Disorders (of any kind)  
Self-harm  
Depression  
Anxiety

I met them all.

The thought of not being enough killed me: I wanted to be perfect, like the other girls in my class, like the models on Instagram, why couldn't I be beautiful?

Ana came knocking at my door, she told me she was my friend, she wanted to help, she said she was able to make me thinner...I let her in, as I said, those thoughts always win.

When you have an eating Disorder it will never leave you, no matter how hard you try.  
I started eating less and drinking more.  
In just a few weeks I couldn't control it anymore.

You just can't.

One  
Two  
Three days and you are still starving yourself.  
You finally eat and you feel guilty, you feel awful and you throw-up.  
You keep going like this until you have lost like 10 kilograms

You look in the mirror and hate what you see.  
How the hell are you still looking this fat uh?  
You're ugly.  
"She is skinnier, prettier than you"  
That's what your mind keeps telling you all the time and it is screaming and you can't do absolutely nothing to make it stop.

You call out for help but no one is listening.  
Who would even want to help you though?  
You are alone, like you DESERVE.

That's when you start punishing yourself.  
One  
Two  
Three cuts and you can stop it.   
You like the feeling, finally you can feel something.  
It hurts but you are not thinking about your weight anymore while you watch the blood.

At this point you realize you are depressed.  
You are not happy anymore, you are not yourself anymore and everything is falling apart.

That's the point I am now.  
I know I'm not okay.  
I started eating healthy again but I hate this.   
I hate gaining weight, but I also love food and I fucking want to just eat whatever I want whenever I want but I can't.  
My mind won't let me.  
I'm too afraid.  
I still look in the mirror and hate my image.  
I am fatter than all the girls I know.

Wanna know what is fucked up?

I know I am not that fat.  
I'm okay, my body is just fine.  
I would just need to accept myself and I would be happy, like I was before, I'd eat normally and have an ice cream with my friend whenever I want but ...no... Because part of my mind doesn't want to let me go, It wants me to get thinner because I'll never be enough, I need to be like the other girls.  
I can't accept myself if I'm not like them... 

I don't know if you can understand it, I know it sounds stupid or just difficult to understand but this is what having a mental illness is like.  
It's not easy and sometimes I can't understand it too.

I can't be happy and it kills me because that's all I am asking for.  
I know that no one is really judging me or at least I hope so.  
I was bullied before but that's not something I'm going to talk about.

Now I feel like there is no hope, like I don't have chances of getting better.  
I want to go back to when I ate cake and the next day would have a biscuit without worrying but I can't.  
I can't because the next that I would be fatter.  
Maybe I'm weaker than I thought.

I wake up and I'm already tired.  
During the day at school, all I think about is "will I be skinnier than yesterday when I'll weight myself at home?"  
And all my day depends on the number I see on the scale.

It's so hard to live this way, so hard that it won't feel like living anymore, trust me.  
So what's keeping you alive?  
You won't want to live any longer.  
You will spend your day crying and that's when you start to think of suicide.  
It will scare you.  
It scares me so much everytime!  
But you can't stop thinking about it.

You won't feel this pain anymore, the pain that is already killing you inside will be gone forever.  
But you can't do it, you can't kill yourself...

But as I said those thoughts always win... always...  
It's just a matter of time.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't try to kill yourself.  
> I know it is hard   
> I know.  
> If you wanna talk I am here.   
> Just don't do it please.


End file.
